NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
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Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME