me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
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[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
That’s easy for you to say
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.