Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
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Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…