Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
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me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Me when someone tries to get to know me
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.