have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
You Might Also Like
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.