JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
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Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death