I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
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Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Trying
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
so this horse walks into a bar
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?