[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
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Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…