I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
You Might Also Like
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
One venti cheeseburger please.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…