“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
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The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.