And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
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My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
“I wouldn’t.”
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Wait a minute
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*