My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
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Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?