So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
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I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I missed you with all my darts
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.