Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
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My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.