me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
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Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.