I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
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Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I think the cat got the dog high.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!