Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
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Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.