Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
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ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
the composer
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.