I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
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[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
being a writer on Twitter:
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck