UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
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Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Give a baker flours on your first date.