Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
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Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook