Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
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I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Ooh I do like a good funnel