God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
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If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
My wedding will be open casket.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
(yawn)
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁