Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
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who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
u spoke cat all this time??????
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.