I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
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If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?