My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
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[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?