me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*