This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
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This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?