Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
You Might Also Like
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid