me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
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it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I have questions??
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Driving in Europe vs Canada
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.