I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
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A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.