me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
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Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.