Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
You Might Also Like
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason