A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
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The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Me: It鈥檚 a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It鈥檚 a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT鈥橲 A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Isn鈥檛 it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Shouldn鈥檛 all ghosts be naked? It鈥檚 not like your clothes die too.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 馃槼
Fact: There comes a point in every man鈥檚 life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she鈥檚 sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
me: they鈥檙e all so cute but i don鈥檛 know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
You can tell you鈥檙e dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Start the year as you intend to continue.
[on a first date]
Her: I don鈥檛 like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*