I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
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When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!