Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
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Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket