If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
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the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
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