Day 2 of my diet
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[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
rapatouille
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now