Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Dear Lord..
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit