writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
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Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Me too door. Me too.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
This is what makes twitter great