My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
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You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.