Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
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Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
You are what you delete.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer