127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
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Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle