Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
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I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.