Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
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is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.