Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
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What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
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For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?