*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
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A lot of folks out there missing the point…
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.