I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
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a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash