I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
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ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Breaking news:
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.