Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
You Might Also Like
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
that’s really how it is
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Life is a suicide mission.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.